1982 Tobe Hooper-directed/Steven Spielberg-produced supernatural tale in which the Freeling Family deals with some seriously messed up/crappily-rendered spirits that ghost-nap their young daughter Carol Anne, who communicates with them through a television set (unlike text messaging, which is all the rage with the kids nowadays). A pre-Coach Craig T. Nelson and a pre-, um, Poltergeist JoBeth Williams star alongside Beatrice “I got an Oscar for a 5-min and 40 second performance” Straight, a creepy bedside clown, a ravenous tree, buckets and buckets of Star Wars product placement, and everyone’s favorite lil’ clairvoyant, Zelda Rubinstein. Running towards the light to provide RiffTrax commentary are Janet Varney and Cole Stratton, who previously underwhelmed you with their RiffTrax Presents of Dirty Dancing, Ghost and Footloose. We promise it will be more entertaining than The Bounty Hunter (since everything is). Which dictionary did this definition come out of, anyway? Am I right, people?