Bill visits Jenny's school and discovers she is missing class to go out with a boy with an interest in motorbikes. Bill's anger is tempered by the fact that she herself has accidentally met a mysterious young biker, who she finds impossible to dismiss from her mind.
Bill and Ben seem continually too exhausted from life to have sex. Ben insists on having Sunday lunch with his frilly-curtain-loving sister Tina and her boring husband Brian. After discovering David has sneaked a rat into her house a hysterical Tina slaps him, prompting an argument. Bill storms out of the house and drives David off in Ben's van. David reminds her, once they are speeding along that in her haste she has forgotten that she does not in fact drive. At that moment the biker appears beside her and talks her to a safe standstill. He disappears but not before Bill finds a note, apparently from him, giving a telephone number.
Forced by Ben's whim to unearth the garden barbecue, Bill accidentally pulls down the entire climbing rose display on Mrs. Grimes's house. During the hideous barbecue Ben reveals he has been summoned to the income tax inspectors, and Jenny turns vegetarian. While musing whether to ring the number she believes is that of the biker, now part of a huge papier-mâché dinosaur David has made, Bill is accidentally arrested in the supermarket for shoplifting. After returning home in triumph, she discovers the number is in fact that of a plumbing customer. Ben, meanwhile returns to reveal he has had a tax rebate.
Ben returns home with the first of his fads: a karaoke tape. His fun is short lived however when Bill's mother Bette arrives to attend the funeral of an old girlfriend from her youth, disrupting the household. Ben, out on a plumbing job, runs into an old girlfriend himself who seems to be very interested in him. When Bill discovers school has closed early she runs home from the bakery worried that Jenny and her boyfriend are alone in the house together. She is delayed by another meeting with the biker who chats with her about relationships, and then, remembering her worries rushes home and up to the bedroom to find Bette in bed with the widower. Mother and daughter talk about the difficulties of fidelity and Bill seems happier with her life with Ben. Ben, however is acting as if he has a secret to keep.
Ben is lying to Bill about strange assignations in a shady-looking lockup. Bill meanwhile is taking her driving test at last. A new sexist bottom-line-conscious manager at the bakery where she and Rona work complicates this. He forces Bill to take her test immediately after a dental appointment, when her mouth is still numb from the injection. Despite this, she passes, thanks in part to a fleeting appearance of the biker. In celebration Ben takes her bowling where they make a pact to force Ben to do all his own washing if Bill wins. Meanwhile, at home, Jenny reveals to Rona that her boyfriend has left her. Rona tells the story of her own teenage wedding which ended with her bolting from the church. Back at the lanes, Bill wins, and Ben takes her to the lockup to reveal his secret: a pale blue classic Chevy he has bought with his rebate money. Bill is not pleased.
Bill, having trouble driving a car the size of the Chevy meets the biker one more time. As she leaves we see the word ""Angel"" on the back of his jacket. After a run in with the obsequious Dawn, the bank teller, Bill returns to work for further confrontations with Rory, her boss, who implies that if Rona sleeps with him, he could make their lives easier. Rona wonders what to do. Meanwhile, Bill visits the home of Sammy, David's best friend, on a poverty-stricken Council estate and counts her blessings, while Ben has a heart to heart with his son about the facts of life. Later, when matters at the bakery come to a head, Bill and Rona resign in an unusual way. Back at the house, Ben bemoans the loss of Bill's income to the family and considers selling the car again. Bill realizes how much she loves him for all his faults and persuades him to keep it. The whole family goes to Battersea Park to take part in the Chelsea Car Cruise.
Bill wakes up in bed with the biker. But this is only a dream. Coming downstairs Bill reminds herself she is still unemployed. Jenny is embarrassed in front of her friend by the appearance in the Porter garden of Mrs. Grimes's elderly dog Farty, an old Labrador with flatulence problems. After the house empties for the day, Bill is left alone with only interminable phone calls from Bette for company. Eventually, one of these causes her to be late for signing on. On the way her car breaks down, and the fortuitous vicinity of a mechanic is ruined by a sudden appearance of Anneka Rice and film crew who whisk him away for a challenge before he can help Bill. She is forced to seek help from the public. Arriving late, she is humiliated by an interview with a member of the social security staff. On the way out, she encounters Jenny in a school party, who ignores her in front of her friend. Later, Jenny is guilty when she finds out Bill has taken a job with Rona making Airline Meals in a factor
With disruption in the house from Bill's new job it is the worst time possible for Ben to take to his bed ill. Things are further complicated by Bill's having to look after Farty while the Grimeses are on holiday. Having both to cope with, Bill gives Ben a doggy aspirin when she runs out of regular ones, resulting in him being ever sicker. Worrying about this, spending the night on the sofa, Bill is further frightened by a massive thunderstorm that nobody subsequently appeared to hear. Part of this portent is clarified when Farty falls ill and Bill and Ben reluctantly decide to have him destroyed. Another aspect is the triggering in David of an increasingly morbid obsession with death.
Jenny is malingering to get off games. Or is she. Bill is worrying about Ben and David's seeming obsession with violence. And that's not all-- she is concerned she might be pregnant and has bought a tester. A drive to David's parents' evening brings out the aggressive tendencies in Ben who imagines himself as the Terminator, cutting up an unidentified driver in a white Escort. At the school, Bill blames David's strange activities on Ben, who denies it. Meanwhile Rona confronts Jenny about the real reason for her sickness. Next day, Bill discovers the other tester is missing and jumps to the conclusion that Jenny is pregnant. But she isn't, and Rona persuades her to tell her Mother about her bulimia and ask her to go with her for treatment. Ben, having issued a challenge to the Escort driver is shamed when he turns out to be disabled. Bill arranges a fair race for them to settle the score and Ben is obliged to race round a track in an old wheelchair, losing the race. He reveals that he
Ben is repainting the house. David brings a St Christopher back from one of his trips playing in the graveyard, Rona wants Bill to go and see some male strippers and Tina arrives to tell Ben that their father Frank is returning from a brief visit from Thailand, where he now lives. Ben confides that he has always resented Frank's distant personality. At the airport, everyone is stunned and in Tina's case, horrified to discover that Frank now has a young Thai bride. After another argument, this time concerning Frank's attitude to his wife, Bill chats with Rona about her own aborted wedding many years earlier. When Tina's prejudice drives the new addition to the family to Bill in distress, Bill and Rona decide to take her with them to the strip show. Back at home, Ben makes some attempt at building bridges with his long estranged parent. At the show, Rona recognizes one of the unclothed bodies as her almost-husband all that time ago. They meet again, and turn the tables on Tina.
The St Christopher causes an argument between Jenny and David, resulting in it being left behind in the house with Bill. Shortly afterward she senses a strange presence in the house, watching her every movement. At work, Rona confides that she has rekindled her relationship with her ex-husband to be, Gordon. There's just one problem: he has erroneously gotten the impression that she is a virgin. At home again, Bill rashly suggests that she and Ben change places with the kids so that they can see what its like running the house. They are both banished to the bedroom with no dinner. Out in a bar with Gordon, Rona is forced into revealing the truth about her past. In the bedroom, Ben gives Bill a letter he picked up earlier; an interview for a job she applied for. Next day, arriving at the interview after a string of disasters, Bill discovers a naked man interviewing her, later learning that he has had a nervous breakdown and there is no job to apply for. She returns home, depressed, when
On the day of Rona's wedding, with Auntie Pearl in command, Bill gets her head stuck in the catflap, while Rona is simultaneously hooked up in her wedding dress on the light fitting. Eventually they escape in the nick of time, but discover David, who has been complaining of feeling ill earlier has become seriously ill. They rush him to hospital, leaving Rona to get to the church under her own steam.
David is rushed into hospital, and immediately lost in the system by the young houseman Phil Brooke (later to reappear in Health & Efficiency) While Bill, Ben and Jenny wait for news concerning the tetanus he has developed, and where he is, Rona gets a bus to church. On the bus she meets a strange lady who reminisces about an old song called ""The Girlfriend of the Whirling Dervish"" concerning a promiscuous woman who cheated on her faithful boyfriend. At the church, the ceremony is transformed, in Rona's eyes, to a mass rendition of the number, signifying her inner feeling of unsuitability for this marriage. She bolts a second time. At the hospital, with David near to death, the biker appears to him, on his final mission. He persuades David to return to his parents, who clearly love him dearly. Rona feels sad but relieved, and they all go out in a monster truck on David's release from hospital.
While Rona spends Christmas alone, the Porters feel obliged to visit Bette for the holiday. Her guilt-inflicting power games leave them exhausted and no one objects when she is finally put into a hypnotic trance by the new flashing Christmas tree lights. The Christmas musical number: Winter Wonderland.
Bill is faced with the problem of luring her cantankerous Aunt Belle from her locked flat, due to an ongoing feud the old lady has with Bette. At the same time, Adam, Rona's brother is left alone with Ben, the fact that he has a weakness for larger man unknown to him. Belle and Bette are persuaded to make up, and Rona decides in the light of this to build bridges with Adam, who stole her boyfriend many years earlier.
Staying up late with Ben in the house at night, Bill sees what she believes is a burglary next door at the Grimes's. This triggers a series of events culminating with the revelation that the unfortunate neighbours have been tied up in the house all the time.
Ben is addicted to the video game Ninja Badger and resolves to go cold turkey. Meanwhile, Rona visits her old school to drum up catering business. A prissy schoolmate forces her to lie to get a job, but this seems to set off a strange sequence of circumstances. Bill meets a sinister figure in a subway that whispers ""Don't Go, Mia."" Back at the house Ben has discovered that watching a goldfish recently brought home by David calms his nerves and enables him to cope with his addiction. Unfortunately, he has placed it in the liquidizer.
Rona has decided to have a baby and is looking for the ideal father. Jenny has argued with her latest boyfriend, and Christine is just her usual self when Bill attempts to cater for a wedding. A further shock is the appearance of Tina, who has suspicions that Brian is cheating on her. During the course of the chaotic events in the kitchen, Rona spots a likely candidate, Tony the DJ, Jenny makes up with Jason and Tina's suspicions are proved to be founded. Ben, meantime has difficulty breaking into the house having forgotten his key.
Jake the Klingon, Ben's archenemy in plumbing, dies after their latest argument and has made Ben the executor of his estate. Ben is forced to organise a Star Trek funeral. Bill and Rona suffer a visit from the health inspector who tells them the kitchen will have to be expensively refitted. After another disappointing meeting with Dawn at the bank, they return home downcast. Meanwhile, after the humiliations of the funeral, Jake is revealed to be alive, having planned the whole scam to get even with Ben. Ben muses upon this and decides to put up the Chevy as collateral. They all set off for a holiday in Florida. The destination code for Miami Airport is revealed to be MIA.
The Porters find themselves alone in the U.S. and in the path of Hurricane Bill. Rona is forced to trickery to persuade Tony to help her become pregnant.
Lost in the fog on the way to meet Bette and Pearl in a hotel for Christmas, the Porters stumble into a military minefield. Meanwhile, Bette and Pearl, having smoked some strange green tobacco they found in the room, seem oblivious to their problem. The Christmas musical number: Home for the Holidays.
Bill promises Jenny that she won't do anything embarrassing when meeting her latest boyfriend's parents; but some frozen cockroaches and an inflatable Pope intervene.
In order to enjoy an evening without the TV, the radio and the stereo, Bill disposes of the fuse wire. Then the troubles really start.
Bill receives a chain letter threatening dire bad luck if not continued. Against Ben's wishes she tears it up, and unlikely events begin occurring. When another four copies of the letter arrive, suspicion falls upon Rona causing an argument. Meanwhile, Ben is about to jump out of an aeroplane on his very first parachute jump.
Bill is sick in bed and worried sick about what's going on outside her bedroom. Ben is looking after the Grimes's cat during their latest holiday, and its imperative nothing happens to it. Then it wanders out of the house. And just what is Rona up to as viewed through Bill's telescope?
Bill's new kitchen is finished at last. But she is too busy working in it to deal with Jenny's problems with a well-developed rival at the school show. Rona's baby making attempts have now become so strange that Tony is planning to leave. The discovery by Bill and Rona of two escaped cobras trapping them in the living room gives them time to consider their lives. The Bill spots something out of the window that will alter everything.
The house is on fire. After the fire brigade leave, Bill realizes that she has a second chance to sort out her life. Meanwhile, Rona has suggested to Tony that he stays whether or not they have a baby. But starting afresh is not as easy at it sounds.
Bill is determined to spend Christmas at home this year where nothing can happen. Unfortunately, David has hooked up his computer to the Internet and a sinister program seems to have invaded their cyberspace. It even knows Bill's name. The Christmas musical number: Relax-ay-voo.
The Porter family spend the entire evening arguing about how to spend the lottery money if they won.
Just where was David when he was presumed to be in bed asleep? Discovering a piece of paper with a cryptic clue while out looking for a warehouse in which to continue her business, Bill begins to follow a trail which ultimately leads to some surprising answers.
Looking after the Grimes's house now that they have no more pets to worry about can't cause Bill and Ben any problems ... can it?
Bank Holiday Monday is complicated by the arrival of Jenny's boyfriend's grandmother to meet the family or a prospective grand daughter-in-law. There's just one thing Jenny forgot to tell them: she's German.
David's performance at the school acting competition relies upon both parents being in the audience to support him. But Bill, still on the lookout for a suitable warehouse has stumbled into a most peculiar place, and Ben has foolishly aroused the ire of his arch enemy Jake Klinger, waking up in a strangely familiar village ...
Rona is in danger of losing her house unless her late Mother manifests herself somehow, amid Ben and David's pathetic attempts at psychical research. Against all expectations, Rona discovers she is not alone after all.
Ben has failed to buy the Christmas turkey for a very good reason he was keeping as a surprise: earlier on in the year he won a piglet. Unfortunately, piglets grow.
With nothing to do on a Saturday afternoon, Bill and Rona compete with Ben and David to solve Jenny's latest boyfriend problems. But the contest gets rather out of hand.
On a spooky Halloween evening, the Porters consider the implications of the disappearance of Mrs. Crudaal, their next door neighbour, and the delivery of a rather large box to the same address. The appearance of bats, a power cut and a lightning storm lead them to a horrifying conclusion.
Bill's Aunt Belle, now living in a tower block is the unwitting cause of an argument between Bill and Rona as to whether horoscopes come true or not. But only the outcome of a terrifying ordeal can prove it one way or the other.
Bowing to Ben's longtime desire to have a family dog, Bill agrees against her better judgment to have an imaginary dog for a trial period. Unfortunately this novel concept totally runs away with itself until Bill's very sanity is questionable.
Ben's increasing dissatisfaction with imminent middle age results in his applying to join the exclusive plumber's society The Brotherhood of the Plunger. This eccentric and highly secretive society however, has some unusual conditions of membership, which even Jake Klinger claims to find bizarre.
While Ben's mid-life crisis increases, Bill is astonished to be left two items by a distant relation: a strange looking wardrobe and its contents, a genuine fur coat. Disapproving of the latter she is persuaded against her better judgment to wear it for a special reason-- only to find herself caught up in own most hideous nightmare.
Ben is still missing and Rona has discovered something under a bush on a visit to the local hospital ... a baby. Bill is caught between these two crises as she attempts to solve them both.
Seeing off Tina, who is going on a Christmas cruise results in the Porters being accidentally left on board the ship when it sails, and Ben has just unwittingly attacked the Captain. How will they stay hidden on board until it safely returns?
Ben's return home with a completely unsuitable replacement for the car results in the entire family progressively not speaking to each other, causing trouble for Rona's hopes of adoption.
When Bill innocently throws away Ben's ""Lucky Underpants"" she is forced to play along with Ben's notions of making his football team win for the next three Saturdays. Unfortunately that means the family doing exactly the same as they did on the morning of the first week- over and over.
The reappearance of Bill's ex-boyfriend Malcolm, as a made-good businessman from the USA coincides with Ben taking Bill for granted once too often. Things come to a head when she decides to take up Malcolm's offer of a weekend away together.
Having been identified by a Market Researcher as the Head of a Completely Average Family, Ben returns home with a box full of new products to test. But strangely, one of these, an innocent looking chocolate named a ""Drool Bar"" seems to have a worrying effect upon all who eat it.
Bette returns to the house to take Bill on their annual pilgrimage to her late husband's resting-place. This turns out to be not the crematorium as Bill had been told on previous occasions, but a freezer in a warehouse in Bermondsey. And, worse than that- the Cronics company has folded, meaning they have to take the frozen remains home with them.
Fabrizio, an Italian exchange student causes havoc when he descends upon the Porter Household. After many exasperating incidents, Bill is ready to let him have a piece of her mind. Unfortunately, Ben has just made a worrying discovery: the waiters at the Italian Restaurant have a photo of Fabrizio's Father on the wall- and they seem to be in awe and terror of him for some reason.
Jenny finally departs for University. But a theft from Ben's van and the subsequent chase and aftermath bring a new occupant to the Porter Household- the homeless Declan.
Ben has put forward the Porter family for starring in a fly-on-the-wall documentary. But Bill is worried that it may prejudice their chances of fostering Declan, so during the screen test she sets out to make the experience an unpleasant one for all concerned.
Declan has arrived for a series of weekend stays, but unfortunately Bette has also come to stay in Jenny's vacant room. Her indulgence of Declan's behaviour causes a serious discipline problem- but how to get rid of her?
Jenny has brought home her new college boyfriend Keith for the weekend, and intends that they share a room. Ben hits upon the idea of making Keith too tired to do anything. Meanwhile, Bill and Rona attempt to tile the floor of their warehouse without remembering to open the windows to dissipate the glue fumes.
In order to make a winning bid on a catering job, Bill is persuaded against her better judgement to take a trip to France to get cheaper booze. Unfortunately, Rona has accidently allowed a small dog to stowaway on the van. Except it isn't a dog.
Halloween, and Social Services report that Declan is to be fostered permanantly with the Porters, but the appearance of Ben's long lost Uncle Lon reveals a secret about his missing Mother's family. But exactly what is it? Ben is forced to come to a horrifying conclusion.
Dismissing Ben's series of Millennium panics, Bill is determined to have an evening to remember together with all the family. But the surprise appearance of Tina forces events to take an unpleasant turn..
