If you're looking for a video to introduce your Pop-pop and Gammy to the world of Funhaus, just keep on movin'.
Lemme tell you, Funhaus plays the best games. The best. Ask anybody. We're tremendous game-players. Tremendous. We're gonna keep playing games...we're gonna play games so good that you're gonna beg us to play games less good. You're gonna get tired of all the game-winning. Believe me. Believe me.
XI: The earth shook slightly as the immense creature slumped to the ground. It let out a deep, thunderous, rasping sigh and was still. If The Sentinel had any remaining concern set aside for Farinfoor, it did not divulge it. Briefly confused, Farinfoor thought to speak to the creature but soon realized there would be little purpose in that. He understood that, much like himself, The Sentinel had simply grown fatigued by this vulgar world and its place within it. With a faint nod, Farinfoor launched himself unto the tower steps, leaving his former adversary to his well-earned rest.
Our deepest sympathies go out to the Benoit family. Well, what's left of it anyway. Let it never be said that Funhaus isn't timely in its dead celebrity bits.
After a few episodes in the wilderness we finally return to what Google and the internet were made for: Boobies and wieners.
The big man himself, Burnie Burns drops by for a racism themed episode of the Google Trends Show! We originally had a different topic picked out but we just could not get Burnie to stop screaming the N-word around the office so we figured it would save us some time.
In these trying political times it's good that we can all still just sit down and have a good la- wait, who does he hate now? Elephants and Haitian refugees? F*** it, I'm out. Enjoy your game show.
Having worked in restaurants and bars my whole life, I can tell you that industry had a slightly different standard for sexual harassment. I'm pretty sure you had to be in your third trimester before your manager would even bother to blow the dust off the stack of complaint forms.
I'd say we're about three months away from Kanye guest hosting Fox & Friends, calling MLK a p***y, and installing a "whites only" drinking fountain in his mansion.
So, how pansexual is Lando supposed to be in this movie anyway? Like, "Tender Lovemaking with Lobot" pansexual? Or "Messy Four-way with Those Little Pig Goblins Who Run the Carbonite Chamber" pansexual?
I also have a hot, shapely muse who inspires everything I create here at Funhaus. His name is Jacob Fullerton. And in addition to that rump, he's got a full head of hair.
"Alright, Mr Goldblum, they're ready for you on set." "Excelsior!" *(rips open shirt, smears grease onto chest)* "Uuh... I think you're like speaking at a congressional hearing or something in this one." "Yes? Hhm? Oh. Lovely. Wonderous. Yes. But, heh, let me ask you. Do any of us really... hear... anything? Wha? Yes I-" "Never mind. Hey! Can somebody lay down a tarp in there? He's real wet this time!"
It's summertime, y'all! Time to put on that swimsuit, rub on some SPF 50, hit the beach, take off you your shirt, get laughed at, hide under your towel the rest of the day, go home, cry a little, and eat the pain away until September!
Wait. You mean that guy from "License to Wed"? What, was he like really famous or something?
I never had the honor of serving in the United States Armed Forces so I don't mean to speak out of turn, but I'm pretty sure that's not how grenades work.
What's the big deal? Every teenage boy from Boston has beaten the sight out of a person of color. It's a right of passage. Like a bar mitzvah, but for kids who hate Jewish people.
Every time Bruce walks out of the Sugar Pine 7 office he looks like a dad that just spent 3 hours having to help his 22 year old kid fill out their junior college application paperwork.
The Great Search Engine Wars of the late 90s were no laughing matter. I still remember the day the Lycosian infantry burned the Alta Vista stronghold to ash while Jeeves loyalists were forced to bury their own dead at gunpoint by a recently emboldened HotBot insurgency. It haunts me.
When exactly did Robbie Williams make the shift from "Younger Skinnier Handsomer Morrissey" to just Morrissey?
Hey, Pagans! So just how many goddamn apple doll workshops and maypole ceremonies do I have to sit through before I get to bang a woman in a papier mache deer head anyway?
"Wicked Lawrence" is about one wallet chain and a Nine Inch Nails patch away from the guy my girlfriend left me for in sophomore year of high school.
There are some men out there who say they've never felt the hot, treacherous sting of shampoo going up their pee hole. Those men are called liars.
For this description I had to look up both Tik Tok and V-Bucks to figure out what the hell everybody was talking about. But don't worry, I totally caught that sweet "The Santa Clause" reference. Finger on the pulse, baby!
Stay tuned until the end of the episode for a surprise round of "Guess the Ambiguously Aged Cartoon Characters Ass"! ... he typed, wondering where it all went wrong.
I'm not really a fan of Christmas either, but I think that's because my mom used to beat me with an advent calendar.
What do you call that thing when you walk around with a shirt but no pants or underwear on? Is it "Donald Duck'n It" or " Porky Pig'n It"? Well, either way, the security guard at that Forever 21 was a f***ing prude.
I remember High School Football well. Too short to make the team. Too fat to be mascot. Just the right size to cram myself under the bleachers and eat lunch all alone.
I'm not really a religious guy but I will join a god damn holy war on the side of whatever church believes in that GIF of the turtle carrying the flat earth on his back while eating gummie worms.
"Alright, gentlemen. They just greenlit Mortal Kombat 2 and we need to find the perfect actor to play the clearly Asian sounding villain Shao Khan." "How about that white guy from 'Cobra' who kinda looks like Schwarzenegger?" "Perfect! The rest of you, gas up the Dodge Caravan! We're going to Party City!"
My favorite crazy Game of Thrones fan theory has got to be the one that says the first two episodes of this season weren't boring as hell.
Technically all dildos are "analog". Vibrators are the marital aids that require some sort of motorized action for use. Or at least that's what my wife tells me every time she sighs in disappointment and sends me out for more batteries.
Hayden Planetarium - Summer 1999 "Um, excuse me. Mr. deGrasse Tyson?" "Yes?" "What is it like when worlds collide?" *(Spider One bust through wall like the Kool-Aid Man, lowers goggles, flings Neil into the sun) "I got this."
F9ST 9ND FURIOUS: SP9CE R9CE PAST AND FUR10US: THROUGH THE PORTAL OF TIME T11E FAST AND T11E FURIOUS: INTO T11E SPYDER-VERSE FUR12OUS TWELVE: STRAIGHT UP YOUR BUTT
I would let the entire Funhaus team take turns on me in a storm drain if it meant I never had to watch Jon Smith sweat this much again.
I have an X-men comic where the team has to go to New Orleans 'cuz Gambit's estranged wife who also has powers needs him for some garbage, then Ghost Rider is there too for another reason, then Ghost Rider gets infected by The Brood and they turn his head into a big long flaming alien skull but then Psylocke and Gambit's wife go inside his head and kill the egg but then Gambit's wife dies and Gambit's real sad. My point? I don't have one. I just thought you'd like to know what we were forced to masturbate to before the internet.
Jacob Fullerton's favorite euphemisms for lovemaking: Feeding the Sarlacc Making Some Younglings The Trench Run Spilling Blue Milk The Beggar's Canyon Bullseye
Bah! You call this a proper Broadway musical?! If I wanted to see a bunch of poorly groomed layabouts slinking around in filth and giving each other AIDS, I'd just watch RENT.
People our age will always remember the day that Rebecca Black's "Friday" dropped. It was like our generation's Kennedy assassination... In that we'd rather have been shot in the head! Aaaaghhahahahaha! Like get shot rather than listen to the song? Because the song was real ba-y'know what never mind. Someday you'll be old and unfunny too.
This Valentine's Day, in addition to flowers and chocolates, don't forget to tell your partner how much you appreciate them every single day. Or at least try to if she shuts her goddamn mouth for five f*cking seconds.
The CVS down the street is out of masks, gloves, and Purell, so I guess I'd better go and chop the hands off of my entire family just to be safe.
Money's kinda tight right now but don't worry. You can make own Animal Crossing right at home! Just fill a burlap sack with a raccoon, some eggs, a few turnips, and dozen or so starving Tamagotchis, then let the delight wash over you!
Living with an imperforate anus isn't so bad. Whenever I fill up I just poop out of my mouth like a jellyfish. The tough part is choking down all that phytoplankton and krill.
After this long of a wait, I wanna see mustaches on everybody! Superman. Batsman. Wonderfemme. Fastboy. Tall Man With Horns. Everybody.
I'm a Sega Dreamcast man til I die, but that might just be because my stepdad used to beat me with a GameCube.
I wasn't even aware that Beyonce played Halo, but what do I know. I was always more of an Eden's Crush guy.
For those of you unfamiliar with the West Coast Avengers, they're basically just like the regular Avengers except they never shut the f*ck up about In-N-Out.
Todd seems to be the frontrunner for the male version of Karen, but if I were one of you Derricks out there I wouldn't get too comfortable.
Mothers, lock up your daughters! New Edgy Jacob is here to escort them to cotillion while teaching them how to celebrate their unique talents without a hint of condescension in his voice.
I think we should all leave Santa a few extra cookies this year, Seems like 2020 has really gotten to him.
The difference between the best Valentine's Day and the worst Valentine's Day can come down to something as simple as the number of air holes in a box full of puppies.
Bid deal. I drown hundreds of snakes in the ocean every day but you don't see me bragging about it.
"It's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Leaves!" -Some asshole in a red hat watching the gang get horny over trees in this video.
Mama always said, "The secret to a good life was paying your taxes on time and excessive ball washing."
I was just about to "go out for cigarettes" and never look back when they asked me to be in this. I guess now I'll have to help my kid build that fucking cereal box bird feeder after all. Thanks, Omar.
I don't know why the makers of "Independence Day" spent so much money on lube. I just spit on my hand and rub it all over MY animatronic alien puppets.
If you're thinking about hiring a clown for your kid's birthday party, may I suggest saving some time and money by making a duvet out of your family's skin yourself.
In honor of all those whos fought so tirelessly for so long on behalf of workers, please enjoy this forty minute ode to obscure Ben Affleck movies and chicken wieners.
"I don't like sand. It's all coarse, and rough, and irritating. And it gets everywhere." James T. Solo (Rise of Dune Trekkers, 1978)
I don't mean sick as in like "It's an inherently exploitative economic system that will ruin humanity if not tempered with empathy, collaboration, and progressive taxation". I mean like literally physically sick. It's gross. Join RT First if you really wanna see it.
Kriss Muss? Sorry, I'm not familiar. I only celebrate Winter Solstice, Festivus, and Scientology's Freedom Day.
Happy Birthday, 21st Century! Crack a Coors Light, enjoy the Funfetti Cake, and feel free to stop being fucking horrible whenever you get a sec.
Looking for a unique gift for your lover this year? Do what I do: Dump the chocolates out of a heart shaped box, then replace them with a gym membership and dress that used to fit them in college.
Yeats, Joyce, Stoker, Beckett, Wilde. The Irish have contributed so much to the world of literature I pretend to have read.
Joe Pesci and Michael Caine walk into a bar. Bartender says "You guys give up, or are you thirsty for more?"
This Mother's Day, indulge your wife by getting the kids out of her hair for the few blessed hours of peace she needs to give the house a proper cleaning.
Big, brawny and imposing, with an enormous face, gigantic jaw, and a massive, muscular physique, the hulking 6'2" Robert Z'Dar projected a strong, aggressive, and intimidating screen presence that was ideally suited for the steady succession of mean, nasty, and extremely scary larger-than-life villains he often portrayed throughout a career that spanned over three decades.
This episode is brought to you by America! America: Governing based on the opinions of long dead racists who'd shit themselves at the sight of a VCR for over two hundred and forty years!
Despite what my thrift store shirts would have you believe, I am not, nor have I ever been, an Epiphany Lutheran Church Annual Lemon Bar Bake-Off Semi Finalist.
I attended a very progressive high school where the athletes, preppies, and stoners would all come together to make sure my Farscape novelizations were plucked from my hands, ripped in half, and wordlessly thrown back into my lap.
Smarties taste like they were deigned in a lab by the world's angriest scientists to disappoint you, and they still taste better than Whoppers.
I would rather share my thanksgiving table with ten shitty, chardonnay-soaked aunts in MAGA hats, than take one bite of your stuffing with raisins in it. Man's gotta have a code.
Somewhere right now at a county fair, Creed, Puddle of Mudd, and Three Doors Down are fighting a family of opossums over a trash can full of funnel cake scraps.