Harry and Ron amuse themselves by bothering Snape, who retaliates by murdering them with Avada Kedavra. Dumbledore arrives and finds Harry and Ron "taking an afternoon nap."
Harry, Ron and Hermione all proclaim their love for something: Hermione loves to learn, Harry loves magic, and Ron loves Harry. Suddenly, Dumbledore comes with a warning that Voldemort is attacking Hogwarts.
Harry, Ron, and Hermione enter Potions class with Snape, where he tells a long-winded epitome of the art of potions; Harry then inquires about how potions "can get you girls".
Harry is experiencing angst, and decides to quit school after having nightmares, leaving Ron in his stead. Ron, attempting to comfort Harry, gets into a fight; Snape punishes them, but once causing him to soil himself.
The Hogwarts crew sing their names to a mysterious ticking noise, which turns out to be a pipe bomb set up by Voldemort.
Dumbledore issues a list of phrases banned in the school. Harry, Hermione and Ron use these "swears" in front of Snape and Neville, who both respond negatively to their "boyish behavior."
Harry is accused of missing Potions of three weeks as he strolls around. Harry punches Snape, and then plays a saxophone, the words "Harry Potter is awesome" behind him.
Harry and Hermione find Ron trapped in a vortex that leads to another dimension. Dumbledore removes him, but finds that Ron has gone through puberty and is much more "cool."
Ron contracts "wizard lice;" Dumbledore tells him and Harry to go to Hagrid, who after attempting a song as a cure, then proceeds to hit him on his head and place him upside down.
Harry steals Snape's personal diary, which he reads to Ron and Hermione. Snape's diary is full of depressing entries like his depressing dreams, Harry's, Ron's, and Filch's bullying, and a lost button.
Ron is writing a letter to his parents when Harry comes in. Harry becomes angry because his parents are dead, and tries to make himself feel better by flaunting his wealth.
Voldemort decides to grow a mustache, and forces Snape to do so too. Snape agrees, and is later pelted with trash by Hermione, Harry and Ron upon seeing it.
Harry tells everyone about his worst nightmares, including Snape trying to attack him with a hammer, Voldemort out-dancing him, giving birth to Ron, Hermione becoming addicted to amphetamines, and being middle-aged.
Harry responds to repeated requests for a Draco Malfoy puppet. Rather than create a full-size puppet like the others, Harry fashions a Draco puppet out of paper and a photograph of Tom Felton. He then sings a song about what Draco likes.
Harry decides to date Ginny, Ron's sister, the only physical difference being long hair and a bow tie. Harry tries to seduce her, and then practices with Ron, who temporarily plays as Ginny.
Dumbledore forces Harry, Ron, and Hermione to attend Neville Longbottom's birthday party under threat of expulsion. Guests at the party include an increasingly drunk Snape, Hagrid, Dumbledore, and Cedric Diggory.
Birthday Birthday Birthday Birthday Birthday Birthday Birthday Birthday
Harry tells Hermione he has learned how to Apparate. He demonstrates by Apparating all around the room, followed by a musical number about it. Ron walks in during Harry's song, and Harry accidentally Apparates on top of him.
Snape tells a story about Voldemort trying to capture a unicorn to drink its blood. However, he mistakenly abducts Ron instead, who dressed up as a unicorn. Meanwhile, Harry attempts to choose a disguise to ease past memories and save Ron.