Have you ever wondered about the relationship between Santa and parents in Christmas movies? Ever been curious as to why nobody has asked Edward Cullen why he’s retaken 12th grade seven times? Ever thought you could kick Arnold Schwarzenegger’s improbably sculpted ‘80s butt? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to take a look at recurring movie plots only possible if everybody in the movie failed to graduate third grade. Which he definitely will soon.
Have you ever wondered why Keanu Reeves really loves funhouses? Ever wondered why movie presidents kick so much butt? Ever thought about head butting a wall? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to take a look at bizarrely specific movie tropes and the weird stuff they seem to imply.
Alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is no-nonsense this week as he takes a deep dive into the “Star Wars’ Sequel Trilogy and proves it was already doomed from “The Force Awakens'" opening crawl.
Have you ever wondered why Jurassic World hired a velociraptor trainer? Ever felt sorry for Filch in Harry Potter? Maybe thought Avatar was even dumber than you initially thought? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to call out characters whose useless jobs could only exist a movie.
Is Gerard Butler’s goofy 300 accent actually brilliant? Is there a good reason for Twilight werewolves' lack of shirts? Does Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade imply God wants us to be skilled tumblers? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding returns to explain why some of film’s stupidest moments are secretly genius.
Doctor Jordan is off the clock this week as he slips into something more comfortable and makes us all extremely uncomfortable reading from some incredibly randy novelizations of the films “Rambo First Blood: Part 2”, “Face/Off”, and “Halloween.”
Have you ever thought Loki could have done more in "The Avengers"? Maybe thought the Beastie Boys are "Star Trek" prophets? Wondered if anything in “Harry Potter” should have happened at all? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s back in his normal work clothes to look at small ways sequel movies wreaked big havoc on their series’ timelines.
Ever wanted to see a luchador wrestle a little person? Maybe you've longed for additional ‘sploitation genres? Do you have any interest in Jesus firing a rocket launcher? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding has some good news for you! This week he uncovers several (insane) genres guaranteed to liven up your movie nights.
Ever wondered if there are tons of people who can drive like Letty in Fast and Furious? Maybe you’ve wondered if The Village should have reconsidered sending blind children to scrounge for medicine? Did The Prestige miss the whole point of cloning? Well, alleged “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and this week he’s unraveling some of cinema’s most needlessly complicated movie schemes.
Is Mowgli a piece of crap in “Jungle Book"? Is it possible for “The Iron Giant” to be even sadder than it already is? Is Mater from “Cars” literally Satan? This week, Pediatric “Doctor” Jordan Breeding puts on a non-threatening baseball cap and dives into several kids' movies that are way darker and sadder than we ever realized.
“Doctor” Jordan Breeding only has one thing on his mind this week: does Ralphie from “A Christmas Story” grow up to become the crazy dude who invents fight club in “Fight Club”?
Have you ever wondered if you should bad mouth your co-worker while taking a dump? Considered pumping yourself up in the mirror before lovemaking? Sat in a bathtub fully clothed? Well, if you have you’re probably living a movie, and this week “Doctor” Jordan Breeding sits in a fully-real bathtub and discusses some of the strangest bathroom movie tropes.
Have you ever wondered what a Christian movie starring Gary Busey as a Pomeranian would be like? Well, you’re in luck, because this week, Reverend “Doctor” Jordan Breeding forces himself to watch “Quigley” which is a real movie, apparently. Also, he debates some theology if that’s your thing.
Have you ever wondered why video games don’t explode better like Red Faction: Guerilla? Wished you had more opportunities to surf on gas barrels like in Psi-Ops: The Mindgate Conspiracy? Ever wanted to build your own sprawling criminal empire like in The Godfather II? Well, this week “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is joined by the Editor-In-Chief of Hard Drive, "Doctor" Jeremy Kaplowitz, to discuss which video game mechanics should get ripped off more often.
Have you ever wondered why anybody assumes Godzilla is a good guy? Contemplated if theft is ever a good thing? Maybe secretly thought Captain America was a big dumb idiot? Well, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding certainly has, and he’s here to point out how blockbuster movies should avoid morality lessons and just blow things up.
This week, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is laser-focused on one thing: Rick Deckard from "Blade Runner" is a human. He’s not a Replicant. He’s a human. Ridley Scott can eat it.
Have you ever wanted to see Kevin Costner’s Untouchables? Pondered why Denzel Washington doesn’t kiss many white women? Wondered what Rudolph the Reindeer would be like if it was way sadder? Well, this week, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding and his “mustache" employ a one-man, in-studio test audience, just like real Hollywood movies. Also, like Hollywood movies? Changes will probably need to be made before this goes to theaters.
Have you ever felt like nobody laughs at your jokes? Ever wondered if your baby has been swapped? Compulsively banging anything with a pulse? Well, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is here to diagnose you as a sitcom character. Sorry about that.
Have you ever thought velociraptor roars in Jurassic Park sounded suspiciously similar to turtles doing it? Wondered if McLovin’s mom was in the room with him? Debated whether Michelle Rodriguez knew how to drive at all? Well, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is give you the behind-the-scene info you need to know to ruin all your favorite movies.
Twists abound in the shocking first season finale of "Your Brain On Cracked.” Are the zombies in I Am Legend, idiots? Is there any reason to send a one-armed assassin in The Fugitive? Is Kaecilius trying to lose in Doctor Strange? All this and more will be revealed in time here at the end of all things (well, for at least this season, anyway).
This week - for Halloween - recently disbarred and put-behind-bars “Doctor” Jordan Breeding wonders if Rose worked that body too hard in Get Out, if the Haunting of Hill House’s ending is actually not that happy, and spends a weird amount of time talking about how great Upgrade is. There’s also a bit in there about Glass and even Invisible Man makes an “appearance.” It’s been too long, kids.
What would happen if Jack and Rose swapped genders in 'Titanic'? What about if 'The Shape of Water' starred a lonely male janitor going to town on a lady fish? What if Marty's Mom in 'Back to the Future' was a peeping... Jane? "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is back to diagnosis just how angry and confused everybody would be. The answer is... a lot, probably.
Have you ever wondered whether STAR WARS lasers were better than normal guns? Maybe pondered if MINORITY REPORT cops should consider making a back-up of those wooden balls? Thought it strange that computer hacking is so... interactive in JOHNNY MNEMONIC and TRON? Well, obviously "Doctor" Jordan Breeding has, and he's about to diagnose the heck out of advanced sci-fi movie technologies that are worse than what we have now.
Have you ever thought it strange that Marty McFly’s grandparents left him unconscious for nine hours in BACK TO THE FUTURE? How about God’s willingness to let BRUCE become ALMIGHTY? Is Santa a real jerk in ELF? “Doctor” Jordan Breeding returns this week to wish you Happy Holidays and uncover a bunch of secret nut jobs hiding in some of your favorite movies. Sorry.
What are the mutant historians like in 'Logan' or the NYC attack truthers in 'Ghostbusters' or the true-crime enthusiasts in 'The Terminator'? Movie universes are much larger than the seven people we follow during the movie, but who the heck lives there and what are they up to? "Doctor" Jordan Breeding returns to deep dive into a few cinematic universes and ring in the new year the only way he knows how.
Despite the vast and wondrous spectrum that is man, modern Hollywood franchises like Mission Impossible, James Bond, and the DCEU all seem to have extremely specific ideas of what a man is supposed to be… and they’re not super great - in many ways even when compared to 80s action heroes! “Doctor” Jordan Breeding digs into it all, because he is a man - give or take.
Have you ever wondered if the atrocities of World War II took place in Cars? What about if that sad, little shoe in Who Framed Roger Rabbit ever managed to get to heaven? Curious what became of Mufasa’s body in Lion King? Well, you better believe “Doctor” Jordan Breeding has, and he’s going to share his diagnosis on some of the most secretly tragic Disney movies of all time whether you like it or not!
Did Obi-Wan WANT Padme and Anakin to get together in Star Wars? Was John Connor encouraging Kyle Reese to get with his mom in Terminator? Should Passengers have given Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence an entirely different ending? “Doctor” Jordan Breeding slips into something a bit more comfortable to take a deeply embarrassing look at some of film’s most deeply disturbing romantic couples. So grab a glass of something bubbly, and start your Valentine’s Day Weekend the right way.
Presumably, every single writer in Hollywood was at some point in time a teenager. At the very least, they probably inject themselves with teenage blood in order to keep their organs strong and their skin moist. So how in the world do they know nothing about them? Thankfully, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is oft accused of having a teenage sense of humor, so join him as he tears apart teenage movie tropes that have no grounding in reality.
Superhero movies are here to stay and so, apparently, are their super strange tropes like superwomen smiling after being punched, "serious" superhero films taking place in insane asylums, and longing for some romance always leading to a loss of superpowers. “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is technically out this week, but thankfully The Incredible Spider-Professor Angry Hands Hammer Man is here to save the day!
Movies are really fun as long as you don’t stop and smell the civilian casualties or take stock of how many fish Aquaman sends to their deaths or how many people Spider-Man lets get obliterated by a crane or how Ready Player One’s Wade Watts is even less cool than we think. “Doctor” Jordan Breeding returns this week to point out all sorts of little depressing details that were snuck into movies that you probably never noticed!
In the real world, most trade policies and financial systems are built by economists or businessmen or dudes on r/wallstreetbets who have some sort of training or expertise in that area. In movies like Star Wars, Harry Potter, and John Wick, it’s all designed by people who mostly have training in explosions and expertise in booby scenes. And… it shows. Today, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return to make sense of the movie monies.
Now that Zack Snyder’s Justice League has released, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding uses a very special episode of Your Brain On Cracked to point out how pretty much everybody sucks at driving in the movie.
In the Season 2 Finale of Your Brain On Cracked, “Doctor” Jordan Breeding celebrates the show’s one year anniversary as well as mourns Caleb’s death/move to Austin, Texas. He also uses the opportunity to discuss how messed up coming of age movie tropes are in films like Power Rangers, Animorphs, Hunger Games, Harry Potter, Transformers, and X-Men and maybe even grows up a bit himself.
For as long as there has been a film industry, concerned parents have warned kids that movies like Star Wars, Top Gun, World War Z, and Angry Birds are trying to turn them into violent, promiscuous, Satan-worshipping commies. Well, it turns out they may be right -- though half the time it's not even clear if the filmmakers are even aware of it. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding returns once again to diagnose the state of the film industry and hopefully also escape from a CIA Black Site.
Easter eggs, by definition, are fun little extras. Never does an Easter egg shatter your hold on reality, make you question the fundamentals of your existence, or send you reeling with existential horror... until TODAY. Dr. Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return to analyze how Star Wars, Waldo, Kevin McCallister, Pokemon, Mel Gibson, and WALL-E are all tied together in a grand tale about the destruction of the universe... or something.
There are good ways and bad ways to kill off movie and TV characters that are poignant and not distracting. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is back to talk about the bad ways in titles like Captain Marvel, Game of Thrones, Star Trek, Star Wars, Taken, and many others.
Look, let's cut to the chase - Hollywood just can't quite grasp boobs and weiners and keeps applying weirdly specific tropes to them. They make them do weird things in their movies, and alleged "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is here to set it all straight.
Superhero movies like Spider-Man, Batman, Wonder Woman, and a million others only really work if a bunch of morons in the background bumble around and do their jobs poorly. Alleged "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return to point at morons and make fun of them. Like a superhero would.
Everybody loves Spiderman and Bill & Ted and also Casper exists, but even such beloved characters as these will make decisions so terrible they potentially doom the entire planet and all of humanity. You just might not always notice right away. Thankfully "Doctor" Jordan Breeding noticed, and he and Your Brain On Cracked are here to point it out for you.
Supposedly fun action movies are trying to trick you into also thinking they're smarter than they are, but alleged "Doctor" Jordan Breeding isn't about to be fooled by the MCU's or Star Wars' shenanigans.
Hollywood has some truly weird and oddly specific ideas about what food, like, MEANS, man, but alleged "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is here to dissect it all. Or... chop it up. Or whatever. You know, cooking terms.
What would happen if movie women approached sex like movie men? What if movie men did rom-coms like movie women? And why the heck don't we have a gay noir yet!? "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is back to diagnose just how angry and confused everybody would be. It's a lot, probably.
Sometimes even the most famous actors like Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds get typecast. Not as just as hotties with naughty bodies, but as, like, creatures trying to evolve into new lifeforms and stuff. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return to diagnose these disturbing trends.
The Oscars and Golden Globes are stupid because they don't include these specific acting awards I just made up. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked are here to fix that.
Hollywood makes a lot of bad movies, but "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is here to help fix some of the worst ones like Twilight, Batman V Superman, Indiana Jones: Crystal Skull, and every Pirates of the Caribbean after the first one.
Hollywood writers clearly don't play sports, but that doesn't mean they don't create insane sports tropes for their movies. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return this week to also not play sports.
The MCU, DCEU, Fast & Furious and other series are all about creating cool supervillains for our heroes to duke it out with, and yet they're all starting to feel a little samey. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked are here to point that out and hopefully make it all stop.
Batman movies, Harry Potter movies, and The Purge movies can't show every second of everything, but sometimes that means they completely forgot to film the funniest, weirdest parts. "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked are here to point those scenes out and do way more impressions than he was expecting.
Hollywood wants you to watch their bad movies, but they're really dumb at marketing according to alleged "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked.
Why are action movies like Fast and Furious and the MCU trying so hard to deal with family trauma anyway? Family "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain on Cracked investigate.
Are you burned out on Harry Potter and Walking Dead? Want a Firefly replacement? "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain on Cracked have got you covered.
Wanna learn how the pros sneak filth into movies like Cars, Willy Wonka, and Beauty and the Beast? Good news! "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain on Cracked have got you covered.
What do Stark Trek, Star Wars The Matrix, Ant-Man, Pokemon, and Face/Off all have in common? They defeated death and now "Doctor" Jordan Breeding is going to mock them for it with a particularly unhinged installment of Your Brain On Cracked.
Sometimes movies like Despicable Me and Minority Report end RIGHT before a horrific tragedy they set up. As usual, "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain on Cracked are going to show those endings.
The explosive YBOC Season 3 Finale focuses on how modern sci-fi movies hate you and are tweaking their tropes to better reflect how sad real life is now. And Dr. Jordan Breeding is visited by a few friends.
After a not all that long break, "Doctor" Jordan Breeding returns to discuss how The Flash, Hulk, Wonder Woman, and Quicksilver all pretty much suck. It's the Season 4 premiere of Your Brain On Cracked, kids. Let's get to it.
"Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return to discuss how Spider-Man, Scarlet Witch, and M. Knight Shyamalan just need to CHILL OUT.
Captain Marvel, Star Wars movies, and Pitch Black are all fine, but video games like Second Sight and Escape from Butcher Bay are WAY better. Thankfully "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain on Cracked are here to prove it.
Harry Potter, Star Wars, and Marvel are so obsessed with their MAIN characters, they totally forget the most interesting characters are ones we only get to see for a brief second. Thankfully "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain on Cracked are here to fix all that and probably save Hollywood who knows?
DC movies, Game of Thrones, Star Wars, and The Matrix are all fine, but they're better if you stop watching the movies and explore the other parts of the fandom. Thankfully "Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain on Cracked are here to show you how.
“Doctor” Jordan Breeding uses Your Brain on Cracked to discuss the ubiquity of zombie strippers, google searches, old ass deer hitting cars, and head slides in horror movies.
"Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return to discuss how everybody in Star Wars, Game of Thrones, and every other Sci-Fi and Fantasy series are STUPID.
"Doctor" Jordan Breeding and Your Brain On Cracked return to discuss the worst Spider-Man, X-Men, and Hulk movies and how they actually did have something good in there.
The explosively festive YBOC Series Finale focuses on how Christmas movies are basically all just capitalist propaganda. To send him off, Dr. Jordan Breeding is visited by a few friends.
"Doctor” Jordan Breeding is putting in overtime to tell you about jumping zombie vampire Jiangshi movies! This content was cut from last week's full episode: "3 Insane Film Genres You Need to Watch."
"Doctor” Jordan Breeding is putting in overtime to explain why assembling the Suicide Squad makes no friggin’ sense!
Superhero movies are here to stay and so, apparently, are their big, stupid blue beams of friggin' light. “Doctor” Jordan Breeding is technically out this week, but thankfully The Incredible Spider-Professor Angry Hands Hammer Man is here to save the day with a mini-sode!
Archie Vs. Predator, Punisher Vs. Eminem, Good Taste Vs. Trying To Make Some Money for once - all this and more is explored by Jesse AND "Doctor" Jordan Breeding in the greatest comic crossover event of all time. This... is CanonBall.